Friday, February 7, 2014

Revealed: The secret meeting to prepare Rahul Gandhi for his first interview

Just a week ago, the whole nation enjoyed a hilarious TV show- sadly it had only one episode. No, it was not Comedy Nights with Kapil, but it was the first ever interview of the Yuvraaj of Congress, Mr. Rahul Gandhi, supposedly the PM candidate of Congress. Not only did Mr. Gandhi reveal some astonishing plans for India, the flair with which he answered all questions left every Indian spell-bound. Everyone in India has unanimously agreed that India can not get a better leader, so much so that some people have already decided to leave the country and shift to Bangladesh because they fear they may not be able to keep up with the superior ideas of Mr. Gandhi.
But from where did Mr. Gandhi get these ideas? Are they hereditary? Is the Gandhi-DNA so full of intelligence? For 65 years, the Gandhis have ruled India and turned the country from 'Sone ki Chidiya' to 'Babaji ka Thullu'. And the same Genes and DNA seem to be prevalent in Mr. Rahul Gandhi. So what exactly happened before the interview with Arnab Goswami? I was lucky enough to be in the room with the Congress leaders and Ms. Sonia Gandhi.. just before the interview!

The room was setup nicely. There were Congress leaders all around. Mr. Kapil Sibal was busy checking facebook and looking for ways to block Mr. Modi's page, Mr. Digvijay Singh was reading 'A million ways to be an idiot', written by himself- for himself. Mr. Manmohan Singh was sitting next to Ms. Sonia Gandhi, tied to her Pallu, and our Yuvaraaj, aka Pappu, was sitting on Ms. Gandhi's lap, his thumb deep into his mouth.

Ms. Sonia: Rahul baby, you have an interview with Arnab Uncle today. Have you read the question answers prepared by Diggi Uncle?
Rahul: No mumma, I can't understand those questions, can we have easier questions? Like what is 2+2!
Sonia: No baby, you will have to learn those answers. Arnab Uncle is very dangerous.
Rahul: But mumma, I don't know what GDP stands for. NREGA, Economic policies, reservations, corruption, I don't know anything about this!
Sonia: Digvijayji, did you not explain everything clearly to Rahul Baba?
Digvijay: Madamji I have written every answer in detail! You can see it yourself.
Sonia: Okay. Rahul baba, show me the questions. I will ask and you have to answer.
Rahul: (Confident and Raring to go) Yes!
Sonia: What were the scams under the Congress?
Rahul: Yes! I know this by heart!! 2G, 3G, CWG, Coalgate....
Sonia: (Slaps Digvijay Singh) Digvijayji, why is the very first question about scams?
Digvijay: Madamji you only asked me to list down the achievements.
Sonia: Oh, then it's fine. Carry on beta.
Rahul: Chopper scam, Cash for Vote, Adarsh scam etc etc.
Sonia: Very good! My Raja beta!
Rahul: Mr. Raja is a very honest minister and is a key ally of Congress. Mr Raja was the first person to launch a scam in the telecom industry.
Sonia: But Rahul, you should not talk like this with Mr. Arnab. He will ask you about India's development plans.
Rahul: (On the verge of crying) I don't want to go for the interview Mumma.
Sonia: No beta, tell me what you plan to do for the country?
Rahul: You mean Italy?
Sonia: NOOOO! Leave my beautiful country alone you dumb kid!! Stay away from it or I'll chop your hands!
Rahul: Oh, for India.. I will..
Sonia: Go ahead?
Rahul: I will..
Sonia: Yes, yes! Go ahead!
Rahul: I will.. sleep in a dalit's house!
Sonia: Fantastic! But you have to find new answers. This is old.
Rahul: I will.. I will..
Sonia: Think about India's poor people..
Rahul: Yes!! I will make them so poor that they will cease to exist! No poor, no poverty!
Sonia: No No No beta! Leave that to Chidambram and Manmohan uncle! Think from the point of view of the people.
Rahul: (A tear in Rahul's eyes) Can we please go to the next question mumma?
Sonia: Okay, next question. What will be your foreign policy if you become the PM of the country?
Rahul: Is it similar to my car's insurance policy?
Sonia: No beta! This is foreign policy! What will you do with China, Pakistan and the USA?
Rahul: Why would I do anything! Aren't they already doing a lot against us? Didn't you see how the Chinese entered into Indian territory and hoisted their flag in India? This friendly gesture makes me cry. :')
Sonia: NO NO NO! China and Pakistan are a threat to India. What will you do against them?
Rahul: (Looks at Mr. Digvijay to get a hint for the answer)
(Mr. Digvijay pretends to be reading the book to avoid answering the question)
Suddenly the star of the UPA Government, Mr. Manmohan Singh speaks up.
Manmohan: Madamji, I want to go to the restroom. Its an emergency.
Sonia: (Gives a furious look to Manmohan who grips her Pallu more tightly and keeps the other hand between his shivering laps)
Rahul: Okay, I will answer on my own. The country on the west, that is China.. I will.. create an impenetrable border so that nobody is able to enter the country.
Sonia: China is on the East of India!
Rahul: No! I saw it today morning! It is on the west! (Takes out a map with 'Digvijay Singh's India' written on it) See! It is on the West!
Sonia: (Slaps Digvijay) Why didn't you teach Rahul Baba to hold the map correctly! According to him Sri Lanka is in the North!
(Kapil Sibal laughs and is in turn slapped by Digvijay)
Sonia: Okay baby, next question. What is your view on the RTI Act?
Rahul:  (Elated that he finally knows this one!) According to me, it is rubbish and should be thrown into the dustbin! Yes yes!
Sonia: No!! RTI means Right to Information! It is something people want! You are confusing this with 'criminals in politics' question!
Rahul: So the people can pick it up from the dustbin, can't they?
(Kapil Sibal finally speaks up)
Kapil: Rahul baba, I think criminals should be allowed in politics. Otherwise we don't have enough people to fight elections.
Rahul: Yes, true Kapil Uncle. We are only 1.2 billion, why do people expect so much from us.
Digvijay: Because we are the only honest people here. The BJP is similar to Ravan and Arvind Kejriwal is the Rakhi Sawant of politics.
(Rahul laughs and laughs at these statements and falls off his mother's lap)
Rahul: You are so funny Diggi Uncle! How did you manage to survive in politics with such shitty comments?
Digvijay: (Proudly) The way Congress managed to rule India for 60 years.
Sonia: Enough! Next question. What do you think about FDI?
Rahul: (Pokes Mr. Manmohan to get the answer whose eyes are turning red slowly) Tell me the answer Manu Uncle. Why did you do the FDI Scam?
Manmohan: It is not a scam Rahul Baba! It means Foreign Direct Investment.
Rahul: Oh, so is this our foreign policy? I got it now!
Manmohan: No Rah... (Exhausts Yearly quota of free speech)
Rahul: Say Manu Uncle Say! What is this Foreign Direct Policy! Does it mean Pakistan can send people directly into India?
(Deafening silence follows)
Sonia: I wish you could get the answer, but now we will have to wait for the next year to let Manu Uncle Speak again.
Rahul: Next question Mumma? I'm sure I know the next answer.
Sonia: Do you think Narendra Modi is a threat to the Congress?
Rahul: (Shivers on hearing the name, rushes to the rest room, cries for 5 minutes, changes his diaper and comes out)
Sonia: What about Arvind Kejriwal?
Rahul: I think we need to learn from him.
Digvijay: He is the Rakhi Sawant of politics.
(Rahul laughs and falls on the floor again)
Sonia: What is your view on the Jan-Lokpal Bill?
Rahul: I think the Jan-Lokpal bill is the biggest achievement of Congress. It has provisions to empower women and provide food for the people who are below the poverty line in the...
Sonia: No NO! You are mixing Women Empowerment, the food security bill and the Jan Lokpal Bill! Rahul baba don't get confused.
(Suddenly Kapil Sibal erupts into laughter)
Sonia: What happened Kapil?
Kapil: I just found photos on facebook in which Digvijay has been changed to DOGVijay and Pigvijay!
Digvijay: Censor everything on facebook you moron!!
Kapil: But this is too good!
Sonia: Censor Social Media!
Kapil: (Disgruntled) Okay madamji.
(Manmohan pulls Sonia's Pallu, eyes hopeful that he would be allowed to go to the restroom now, but his plea goes in vain)
Digvijay: I think the new Hasiba Amin ad is doing wonders. "Hum hai naye, andaaz kyu ho puraana" is the best song to describe the party under Rahul Gandhi.
Rahul: Yes Diggi Uncle! I love the full song! 
"Bigade duniya, bigadne bhi do
Jhagade duniya, jhagadne bhi do

Lade jo duniya, ladne bhi do, hum apni dhun gaao

Duniya roothe, roothne do
Bandhan toote, tootne do
Koi chhoote, chhootne do, na ghabraao"
Digvijay: Yes Rahul Baba, this is the best song selection.
Sonia: (Shocked) Why didn't you tell me the full song earlier!!
Digvijay: Madamji it was in Hindi.
Sonia: Anyway, I didn't understand it even now. Okay, final questions Rahul Baba. Make sure they are correct.
Rahul: I'm always correct Mumma!
Sonia: What are the schemes started by UPA-II?
Rahul: Umm.. 2G, Coalgate..
Sonia: NO!! They are scams! I'm talking about schemes! 
Rahul: I don't want to go for the interview Mumma.. I don't want to go.. No No!
Sonia: Don't cry baby! Be strong.
Rahul: (Lies down on the floor and starts kicking) No No No! I'm scared of Arnab Uncle!
Sonia: No my bacha. 
Rahul: Please pay him some money and let me take notes with me!
Sonia: That is not possible beta. Please be strong.
(Meanwhile, Manmohan loses control and tears Madamji's pallu and the sight is not good. He really needed permission to go to the restroom)
Rahul: Please right down some answers on my hand Sibal Uncle! I will talk about only those answers no matter what Arnab Asks me!
Sonia: Yes, that is the best idea! Sibalji, write about RTI, Women Empowerment and how the Gandhi's sacrificed their life for India.
Rahul: What if the questions are out of syllabus?
Sonia: Think Mr. Arnab is an examiner and say anything to confuse him!
(Mr. Sibal takes out his tattoo machine and writes down the answers permanently on Rahul's body.)
Rahul: Nobody can save Arnab now. I will surprise every Indian today, I will be the next superhero!
Sonia: (Tears of joy in her eyes, this was the moment she had waited for) Go Go my Son! We shall do this for Mother India!

And so, our Yuvaraaj left for his first ever interview. The whole nation was mesmerized by the answers that flowed during the interview and the vision of Mr. Rahul Gandhi.

I have already decided to settle abroad (Bangladesh, Nepal) if Rahul Gandhi is chosen as the next PM, for I can not exist in a system of extra-ordinary intelligence. Hope more people will join the mass-migration for it is now time to give back Bangladesh what they have given us, free migrants.

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